Failure

This week I feel like a failure.

There I said it. It makes me feel a little bit better, but not much. Why do I feel like a failure? Because I thought I could do it all. People expect me to do it all.

I can't.

I am working late 3 nights this week. That is expected. I am doing the job of at least 2 people at my day job. That is expected (and not really compensated for). I am trying to start my own business so I can leave my first job. It is slow going, but it will come. But I am behind on what I wanted to accomplish.

Most importantly, my girls are taking this hard. They hate me working late. Button is starting to act out and Shelbs is pushing teeth and up all night. Hubs is a trooper, but also starting to resent me working so much.

I am snapping at Button for doing things any two year old would do. And she has had a LOT of transition lately. Our daycare closed about a month ago, very unexpectedly. The new one, not so great. Our morning conversations go like this:
Button: Mama, can we go to the regular school?
Me: No honey, remember that school closed. Don't you like your new school?
Button: No.
Me: Why not?
Button: Because I don't.

This breaks my heart. Because it is usually followed by tears at drop off. Then I go to my car and cry.

I hate my job. I miss my girls.

I don't want it all.

But I have a master's degree. A good job. One that stresses me out to no end that some days I dread coming to.

I snap at my girls. I cry in my office when no one is looking. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I want to snuggle my girls, help Button learn her numbers and Shelbs learn to walk. I want something that will make me happy outside of being a mom, not something that will make me miserable. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to give Hubs more of my time and not just my sheer exhaustion and frustration.

It will happen. I am determined to do that for my family. I want what is best for us. I just don't know what that is anymore ....

Pierced Ears

Button: Mommy, when I am big can I get my ears pierced?
Me: Do you want to get your ears pierced?
Button: Yes, but only when I am big.
Me: When will you be big?
Button: When I am big.

This was our conversation last night in the bathtub. It totally came out of the blue. I was able to get mine pierced at 9 (but I was a scardey cat until I was 14). I was thinking the same age for her too, but now I wonder.

What about you? When did you get your ears pierced? What do you think is to young?

Mother's Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. Yay Me!! Anyway, my favorite (so far) Facebook birthday wish was:

Happy birthday to the hottest m in WI! I wish you a day with no food being spit up on you, no toddler tears and hopefully a morning you get to sleep in until like 6:30am. Happy birthday!

This made me laugh, because my morning was NOTHING like I had hoped. Shelbs woke up at 5am and Button followed at 5:30am ... soaking wet. By 6am we had changed clothes, sheets, started laundry and had a snack. At school at 7:20am Belle had a meltdown of tears. Then, while picking up my birthday breakfast cupcakes (yes, there were more than one!) the lady smeared the frosting. 

So by 7:30am most of what my friend wished for me was already down the drain .... But a big part of me would not have it any other way. I will look back when Button is old enough to not need me in the morning and be sad. I will miss the mornings when her smile wakes me up because she wants to climb into bed with me.  

I will always treasure these times ... even though sleeping until 6am would have been FABULOUS!

It's Not Working Mommy!

Some of you may know that we are having some sleep problems with Button. She hates it. She hates to take naps, to go to bed and as soon as she wakes up she wants to play. So last week I ordered an Ok to Wake clock. This is the answer!!

It came Saturday, so we set it up for Sunday. The clock turns green when it is ok to get out of bed. Simple, right? I set it for 6:30am. This would be great! She will wake up at 5:30am, see that her clock isn't green, and go right back to sleep, right??

WRONG!!!! :)

At 5:50am she comes RUNNING int our room, with her clock, blankie and dolly. She looks at me and says, "Mommy, it's not working!!!"

Well, it was working, it just wasn't time to get up yet. We will keep trying. One of these days I will get to sleep past 6am again .... Right???

I took the plunge ...

And signed up to be an Independent Stylist for Stella and Dot. I will tell you, right now I am going crazy trying to book my first show. I am really good at talking to people, but when I get to asking, I am struggling.

But I will keep trying. I know that I just need to book one show. From there, I can look at building the sale and booking another trunk show. I know that I can do this and that it will work out for me in the long run. I just need to start.

Why is it so hard to ask?

• Because I don't want to hear no. 
• Because I know that people think I will fail. 
• Because I am not sure if Hubs will really watch the girls when I need him to (even though we talked about ALL of this before I started). 
• What if I do fail? What then?

I know that I just need to DO THIS. I know that I can make it work for me and my family.  I know that I can use this as a way to transition from working full time to working part time. I just have to overcome my fears and call one per a day.

One person a day. And someday (Soon!) one person will say yes.

If you are that one person who wants to say yes - let me know! The jewelry is FANTASTIC!!

I Want a New Mommy Box!

I just read an article online about Finland giving new moms a box with a bunch of cool baby stuff. I think this is a great idea. It started in the 30's and continues today. All you have to do to get the box is seek prenatal care before 4 months. It promotes health and safety, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering. It has lowered the infant mortality rate and evolved over time.

All I can think is that, how genius is this? Giving new moms EVERYTHING they need for the new baby in a box. Now, you can opt for a cash grant instead, but really, who would do that? I would have loved a new box of baby clothes and such for both girls. It sounded like a baby shower in a box and totally awesome.

Now, yes, part of this is because I am cheap, and I love a free stuff. But I also love the idea that it gives children all the same start - each child get the same stuff in the box. Each child gets to have a good start in life, even if their parents can't afford something new, they are able to get something new for each child.

Maybe if we have another baby we will need to move to Finland. Or maybe I will start looking for cheap items to create my own new baby boxes for friends and family. That is probably the easier route!

Weekends

Weekends are my favorite part of the week. I guess that is pretty much a given, but I love them. They are two whole days where I get to play with the girls (usually).

But they also remind me what I am missing ...

• how much they grow every day, when I am not there
• the new words they learn, the skills they develop
• how much I miss nursing, and even though I know it is tough on Mondays, I will nurse Shelbs on weekends as much as possible
• smiles, hugs and laughs for no reason

But I also know that weekends make me a better mom and a stronger person. They allow me to reconnect with the girls and Hubs. They give me time and space to play and run errands and enjoy the girls.

I also love Fridays when I only have to work until 2pm - I sneak out for a pedi after work before getting the girls and it is FANTASTIC.

Happy Friday!

I want to see

Today I read the most beautiful blog post. I want to make sure I SEE my kids.

I have been trying more often lately to put down my phone when I get home from work. To look at Button when she talks. To pay attention to what she is saying.

I know it isn't enough to just be there. I have to be the one who also listens and HEARS. The one who understands. The one who praises. The one who tries so very hard not to get mad.

I hate yelling, but since I have gone back to work I find myself doing it more and more. I mean, look at my Precious Time post. I feel like now all I do is run and run and run and never have enough time to spend with the girls.

Belle is smart. She knows she gets less of me now than she did before Shebls came. But you know what, she loves her sister and doesn't resent her. She hugs and kisses her. But I need to find more time to spend with her.

I need to make sure I always see my girls.

Precious Time

Work Day Schedule

6am (ish): Belle and I get up. Hopefully I've showered the night before and we can snuggle and watch part of Curious George on PBS.

6:15am: I get dressed/hair/makeup. Ready bags for the day.

6:30am: Get Belle dressed. Wake up, change, dress and feed Shelbs.

6:45am: Remember Belle needs a snack before we leave for school. Put things in the car (if I am not still feeling Shelbs).

6:55am: Leave for day care (we like to call it "school" in our house).

7:09am: Get to school. Bring Belle's stuff upstairs, then take the girls downstairs to the room. Talk with teachers about their nights, questions, concerns. Lots of Loves and Snuggles.

7:15am (sure, more like 7:20 at this point - running late): Wave at the girls from the car, drive to work.

7:30am-4:30pm: Work

4:55pm: Get home. Hug Belle, ask about her day. Change Shelbs and start first feeding.

5:30pm: Play outside, go for a walk, or make dinner. Eat dinner somewhere between 5:30-6:30pm

6:00pm: Feed Shelbs. 

6:30pm: Bath time!!!

7:00pm: Watch the Pajanimals!!! with Belle. Feed Shelbs if she is still awake (reverse cycling at its best!) or snuggle Belle.

7:15pm: Belle in bed, stories, prayers, snuggles.

7:45pm: Feed Shelbs or do some laundry.

8:45pm: Both kids are sleeping (hopefully). Dreamfeed Shelbs and pump.

9:00pm: Bedtime for me.

What does this mean? Only about 3 - 4 hours of quality time with my kids per day. Boo.

Let's Talk About Boobs

Breastfeeding. It is something I really wanted to do well with Belle, but it never worked the way it was supposed to. Maybe it was the 30 hour labor, near c-section, Pitocin and IV drugs,  vacuum extraction, and trauma of birth. She never latched well. She didn't latch for over 24 hours. I had to pump in the hospital and tube feed her. Then when she did latch, she would fall asleep easily. She didn't gain weight - it took about 6 weeks to get back to birth weight. I had to supplement. I was feeding and pumping every 3 hours around the clock.

I saw a LC on a regular basis - I'm not sure what I would have done without her. She supported my decisions, gave me all kinds of advice and helped me get a prescription for Domperidone from my OB when we had exhausted every other option. After 6 months I went to formula. I just never made enough milk no matter what.

Fast forward two years and to Shelby. She latched within minutes of birth. It was perfect. She gained weight right away and grew strong. I started pumping once a day to build a freezer stash. I FINALLY had it right.

That's what I thought until I went back to work.

Daycare has been a tough transition for both of us. I didn't want to go back to work but I had to. She now spends 10 hours a day away from me. It SUCKS. But that's life, right?

I digress.

Anyway, I have been sending about 9-12 ounces of milk to daycare with her. I am only pumping 7-10 a day, but they think she needs 5 ounces a feeding because she drinks the bottles so fast - that is, when she takes them. I think it is more that she isn't used to taking a bottle. Freezer stash is almost gone and I am still only pumping an average of 8 oz/day.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. She is now starting the wonderful world of reverse cycling! This means when Shelbs is away from me, she is eating as little as possible and nursing nonstop at home at night. But she is still sleeping pretty well, so who really knows.

I am considering renting a hospital grade pump to see if that will make any difference. I already have to Medela's (Freestyle and Pump in Style Advanced) and I am not a huge fan of either one of them. I want to get more. I am trying to get more.

But most of all, I love the connection with Shelbs. I hate that it makes Belle sad because we don't get as much fun time together. Let's be honest, when I work, our days are short. But I love that I know I am doing the best I can in order to give my baby breastmilk. If one day I decide it is no longer the right choice for us, well, then that's another story. I've been down the formula road before - and THRIVED.

No Big Hurry

I remember with Belle how excited I was when she reached those big "milestones". Rolling over, talking, walking, and so on. I knew when she "should" be doing something and made sure she was doing it. For example, Belle was rolling over before 8 weeks. I know she did it on a regular basis before I went back to work.

With Shelbs, things are different. She is 3.5 months old and can roll to her side, but doesn't very often. She did roll over once, but she was in her inclined crib, so gravity helped with that one.

But this time around, I am not worried. She is happy. She is healthy. She is smiley. And you know what, she is not the mover and shaker that Belle was. She is much more laid back. To put it simply, Shelbs isn't in a big hurry at all.

I kind of like that. To have one child that never stops moving and sleep is almost always a fight, it is a nice change of pace to have a kiddo that is more relaxed.

I know we will have our struggles with sleep and listening and moving and so on, but right now, it is very nice to have a snuggle bug. Especially as Belle is growing out of that phase unless she is super sleepy.

So that is my thought for today. I am ok with snuggling Shebls when I can. So she doesn't lay as much on her play mat and isn't rolling over at 3.5 months (gasp!). I'm ok with that.

All in good time friends, all in good time. Now, let me share some smiles.

We Moved!

So, 10 days after Shelbs is born, someone knocks on our door. We had the house for sale off and on for about 4 years. All the sudden, when its off the market, someone wants to buy it. Great, let's do this and go find a new house. This took up the majority of my leave - finding a new house, doing the financing, packing, moving stuff into a storage shed because we moved out a week before we closed on our new house, then finally moving in and unpacking and getting settled.

We LOVE our new place. It is big and open and room for all of us. We have a great big backyard and a brand new swing set. We can play and have fun and live together but not on top of each other. Shelbs and Belle each have their own rooms. It's great.


Now I am back at work :( after too quick a leave and wishing I was still home whit my babies. The amount I am paying in daycare is insane and I am working on talking Hubs into letting me stay home, but who knows.

I can't complain though. Shelbs is sleeping through the night most nights and is a great baby. She has taken to cloth diapers well and only poops about once a week. Live is very good. I just miss my girls when I'm at work.

RSV

But also during my leave, when Shelby was 7 weeks old, she was diagnosed with RSV. This was apparently a really bad year for it and I have learned so much about it. Basically, in us it is really bad cold. In a baby or newborn, its a cold that can get them hospitalized. That's what happened with us. When I took her in to see our provider her oxygen levels were ok and we started nebulizer treatments. We had to go back in every few days to check her oxygen levels and see how things were going. Well, one morning she was coughing and coughing and coughing and NOTHING helped. I took Belle to daycare and ran over to see our provider. We were admitted to the hospital that afternoon because her oxygen levels were too low and she needed support.

We were there for two and a half days before being able to go home. It was scary, but we got through it and she is MUCH better now. Word to the wise, don't ignore your instincts. I almost didn't take her in since I thought it was just a runny nose. So glad that I did.

Birth Story

Ok. I know. I have been away too long. But I have good reasons. I had a baby. We sold our house. We had find a new house and all that goes along with that. We were in the hospital with a 7 week old baby girl with RSV. We moved into our new house. And now I am back to work.

So let's start at the beginning. January 23 I woke up at midnight in labor. Since Belle took 30 hours I figured I had plenty of time. But I was in a lot of pain. And the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, so about 12:20 I called my midwife at the hospital and she told me to come in. We called MIL to come over and watch Belle, and we were off. It was colder than crud out and Hubs didn't want to drive to fast because his truck had to warm up. Then he started to time my contractions and when he realized how close they were, he sped things up.

We got there about 1:45am and I asked for IV drugs. I wanted a natural birth, but MAN this was intense. They did a cervical check and I was already in transition so we decided I didn't really need them anyway. About 2am my water broke and I was already pushing. At 2:36am my BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Shelby, was born.

It was amazing. It was all natural. And it was WAY too fast for my comfort. I mean, we were there for 45 minutes before she was born and that was it.

She was perfect - 21.5 inches long, 8lbs, 15oz. She latched on almost immediately after birth and stopped me from bleeding too much. She breast feeds like a champ which I couldn't be happier about.