Failure

This week I feel like a failure.

There I said it. It makes me feel a little bit better, but not much. Why do I feel like a failure? Because I thought I could do it all. People expect me to do it all.

I can't.

I am working late 3 nights this week. That is expected. I am doing the job of at least 2 people at my day job. That is expected (and not really compensated for). I am trying to start my own business so I can leave my first job. It is slow going, but it will come. But I am behind on what I wanted to accomplish.

Most importantly, my girls are taking this hard. They hate me working late. Button is starting to act out and Shelbs is pushing teeth and up all night. Hubs is a trooper, but also starting to resent me working so much.

I am snapping at Button for doing things any two year old would do. And she has had a LOT of transition lately. Our daycare closed about a month ago, very unexpectedly. The new one, not so great. Our morning conversations go like this:
Button: Mama, can we go to the regular school?
Me: No honey, remember that school closed. Don't you like your new school?
Button: No.
Me: Why not?
Button: Because I don't.

This breaks my heart. Because it is usually followed by tears at drop off. Then I go to my car and cry.

I hate my job. I miss my girls.

I don't want it all.

But I have a master's degree. A good job. One that stresses me out to no end that some days I dread coming to.

I snap at my girls. I cry in my office when no one is looking. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I want to snuggle my girls, help Button learn her numbers and Shelbs learn to walk. I want something that will make me happy outside of being a mom, not something that will make me miserable. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to give Hubs more of my time and not just my sheer exhaustion and frustration.

It will happen. I am determined to do that for my family. I want what is best for us. I just don't know what that is anymore ....