I feel like a failure

So last night I caved in and gave the nuk back. Transitioning to the big girl bed has been very, very hard. She slept so well her first night, and was up once the second night. This weekend was terrible. She was up 3 or 4 times on Saturday. She was overtired, crabby and, in all honesty, so was I.

So last night we decided to see if giving back the nuk would work. She was so cute, "Mama found it!"

She was up at 4am.

I don't know what else to do. I am tired, and honestly, I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to sleep. All night long. For more than one night. Am I asking too much?

I am 18 weeks pregnant, work full time and run around like crazy after our 19 month old. I was so proud that she went almost a full week without the nuk. She didn't even ask for it after a day or two. And now I feel like I gave in by giving it back.

I know that since we took it away once, we can do it again. And giving it back, there are going to be many more limitations. Like you can only have it in your big girl bed. But still. I feel like I am going backwards.

I know it will get better, and that I will get sleep again. In about 5 years or so. But I am considering leaving Button home with Hubby and getting a hotel room all my own .... Glorious sleep!

Big Girl Bed

We did it. We got Button a big girl bed. She has been climbing out of her crib and we were going to transition her this fall anyway, we are just doing it slightly earlier.

She loves her new bed, which is great, but won't sleep in it alone. At least she won't fall asleep on her own. Which is ok, since it has only been two nights, but I miss those easy nights of putting her in her crib with Dolly and stories. When she fell asleep, I went in and turned her light off.

Not so much. Last night it took about an hour and half. And since I am also preggers, I was almost asleep and dead tired by the time I finally left her on her own. She did finally go down about 9pm, but it was tough. She work up about 2:15am and it took about 30 minutes to get her back down.

I know this is normal and it will just take time. But man, today am I tired!

But she does love her bed!

Stress

I just found out I will again be increasing my workload at work. I don't know how I will fit it all in. Looks like this will be the last quarter I take a class, since I am adding teaching to my list of things to do at work.

I know I will enjoy teaching, so its not that aspect. Its the fact that I already feel overloaded. Oh well, something will come along when the time is right ... Right???

Blessing

Yesterday was a mixed blessing. I had to got to stay home with my daughter. Monday she got sick at daycare and was unable to go back until today. Sometimes I hate the 24 hour rule! Timing was bad - I had to work to get census done for billing at work, and my husband was on call, there is a major event in the area that his department is required to assists with, and there were a few others that he works with on vacation.

So I got up at 3:30am and was at work by 4am to finalize what I needed to do. I was back in bed by 5:30am when Andy got up for work and was out the door by 6am when Belle got up for the day. So really, no extra sleep for me.

I love sick days and I hate sick days. I want them to be days where we don't do anything too fun to encourage sick days, but fun enough for both of us to enjoy. We went for a walk, watched Sesame Street and took a nap (not nearly long enough for me though!). By 2pm I was tried and needed a distraction.

Then I realized that we had a chance to get rid of the Baby Mullet. Yes, my darling little girl had a mullet. It was awful and since she has taken to pulling out her hair ties, really obvious. So we went to the hair salon and got it cut. It was an interesting experience. I mean, who would have thought someone would not like getting their hair cut?

She was NOT amused at first. She was unsure and upset. But realized that she got fruit snacks and Monkey and a Minnie Mouse doll. This somehow made it better. She was a trooper and has much better hair now. Not sure when we will repeat the experience, I know it will be a while! But I like her new 'do.

It was a good day home, one I am glad that we did. I wish I had more days like that with her, where we could stay home and take long walks and play outside and do all the fun things we never get to on weekends.

Yes, at first I was frustrated because I needed to get work done. But even though I was up at 3:30am and at work by 4am, I am very glad with the day I had with my little girl. I know with another one on the way, days like this are fleeting. How many more days will it just be the two of us? How will I manage special time with her while caring for a new little blessing?

Part of me worries. Then I remember her sitting with me and snuggling, asking for Elmo and patting my belly saying "Baby". Nothing could be more wonderful.

Sigh

I am 11 weeks and have begun telling people. I am excited, so excited to meet our new little stinker. But part of me dies every day knowing that at the end of April when my maternity leave is up, I will be going back to work. Full time. Sigh.

I emailed daycare today to make sure they will have space for this little one, secretly hoping that they would be full. They have plenty of space. Sigh.

I know that most people work full time and send their kids to daycare. I know the center we use is fantastic and little nut loves it. But part of me cries inside knowing that I am missing so much of her life. This week all she wants is for me to stay and play with her there. Sigh.

I know that I live a very good life, and that my daughter is well cared for, and this little stinker will be too. I just wish I could be there for all the little moments. The smiles. The hugs.

I am realistic - I don't miss the tantrums, the whining, the screaming when things are not going quite right. But today I probably won't get to see her until after bedtime, and tomorrow either. That breaks my heart a little more each day.

I have struggled with this for several months now, and know that when the time is right a change will happen. I just hope that come the end of April I can stay home with my kids .... even though I know I will be coming back to work.

Sigh.

My favorite photo from our recent family photos by Stephanie Creates. 

Little Stinker Due January 2013

Here we go again! Today I saw our little stinker for the first time. It has been a crazy day from the start. Little Nut woke up at 5:20am and would not go back to sleep, getting ready was crazy, and she wanted everything all at once. Follow that up with calling my midwife's office to see if she was delivering or not so we could come in to hear this little one's heartbeat, only to be told the building had been evacuated due to a fire.

Fast forward about an hour, I call back to find out what is going on. I burst into tears when I find out that I could have gone to my appointment. We were able to reschedule for 12pm. I left work in a rush to head to the appointment. They take me right back and start looking for the heartbeat.

15 minutes later they are still looking and I am going CRAZY. I am thinking, OH NO! What happened. After not being able to find it they took me into the ultrasound room.

Our little stinker was moving so fast they could not find it! Baby was just fine, doing a dance party in my belly. I was able to leave with a photo and a big smile on my face.

So yes, the rumors are true. We are expecting another little stinker at the end of January 2013.

Potty Succeess!

Now I realize it is still very early, but yesterday, just shy of 18 months, my little girl went pee pee on the potty. It was great!! After breakfast I took her into the bathroom with a couple of books to go potty. She sat there very nicely and we read. After about 5 minutes, she started to go potty - and she looked a little nervous, but I kept reading and told her what a good job she was doing.

When she was done, she had to investigate - she looked into the potty and could see what was there. I told her what a big girl she was and how proud of her I was. I think that it is great that she is doing this. I know we have a long ways to go, but I am so proud of her.

We went in a few more times and read stories, but she didn't go - but that is ok. She needs to figure out when it works for her and how it will work for her. She is getting so big. I love her so much!!!