Failure

This week I feel like a failure.

There I said it. It makes me feel a little bit better, but not much. Why do I feel like a failure? Because I thought I could do it all. People expect me to do it all.

I can't.

I am working late 3 nights this week. That is expected. I am doing the job of at least 2 people at my day job. That is expected (and not really compensated for). I am trying to start my own business so I can leave my first job. It is slow going, but it will come. But I am behind on what I wanted to accomplish.

Most importantly, my girls are taking this hard. They hate me working late. Button is starting to act out and Shelbs is pushing teeth and up all night. Hubs is a trooper, but also starting to resent me working so much.

I am snapping at Button for doing things any two year old would do. And she has had a LOT of transition lately. Our daycare closed about a month ago, very unexpectedly. The new one, not so great. Our morning conversations go like this:
Button: Mama, can we go to the regular school?
Me: No honey, remember that school closed. Don't you like your new school?
Button: No.
Me: Why not?
Button: Because I don't.

This breaks my heart. Because it is usually followed by tears at drop off. Then I go to my car and cry.

I hate my job. I miss my girls.

I don't want it all.

But I have a master's degree. A good job. One that stresses me out to no end that some days I dread coming to.

I snap at my girls. I cry in my office when no one is looking. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I want to snuggle my girls, help Button learn her numbers and Shelbs learn to walk. I want something that will make me happy outside of being a mom, not something that will make me miserable. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to give Hubs more of my time and not just my sheer exhaustion and frustration.

It will happen. I am determined to do that for my family. I want what is best for us. I just don't know what that is anymore ....

Pierced Ears

Button: Mommy, when I am big can I get my ears pierced?
Me: Do you want to get your ears pierced?
Button: Yes, but only when I am big.
Me: When will you be big?
Button: When I am big.

This was our conversation last night in the bathtub. It totally came out of the blue. I was able to get mine pierced at 9 (but I was a scardey cat until I was 14). I was thinking the same age for her too, but now I wonder.

What about you? When did you get your ears pierced? What do you think is to young?

Mother's Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. Yay Me!! Anyway, my favorite (so far) Facebook birthday wish was:

Happy birthday to the hottest m in WI! I wish you a day with no food being spit up on you, no toddler tears and hopefully a morning you get to sleep in until like 6:30am. Happy birthday!

This made me laugh, because my morning was NOTHING like I had hoped. Shelbs woke up at 5am and Button followed at 5:30am ... soaking wet. By 6am we had changed clothes, sheets, started laundry and had a snack. At school at 7:20am Belle had a meltdown of tears. Then, while picking up my birthday breakfast cupcakes (yes, there were more than one!) the lady smeared the frosting. 

So by 7:30am most of what my friend wished for me was already down the drain .... But a big part of me would not have it any other way. I will look back when Button is old enough to not need me in the morning and be sad. I will miss the mornings when her smile wakes me up because she wants to climb into bed with me.  

I will always treasure these times ... even though sleeping until 6am would have been FABULOUS!

It's Not Working Mommy!

Some of you may know that we are having some sleep problems with Button. She hates it. She hates to take naps, to go to bed and as soon as she wakes up she wants to play. So last week I ordered an Ok to Wake clock. This is the answer!!

It came Saturday, so we set it up for Sunday. The clock turns green when it is ok to get out of bed. Simple, right? I set it for 6:30am. This would be great! She will wake up at 5:30am, see that her clock isn't green, and go right back to sleep, right??

WRONG!!!! :)

At 5:50am she comes RUNNING int our room, with her clock, blankie and dolly. She looks at me and says, "Mommy, it's not working!!!"

Well, it was working, it just wasn't time to get up yet. We will keep trying. One of these days I will get to sleep past 6am again .... Right???

I took the plunge ...

And signed up to be an Independent Stylist for Stella and Dot. I will tell you, right now I am going crazy trying to book my first show. I am really good at talking to people, but when I get to asking, I am struggling.

But I will keep trying. I know that I just need to book one show. From there, I can look at building the sale and booking another trunk show. I know that I can do this and that it will work out for me in the long run. I just need to start.

Why is it so hard to ask?

• Because I don't want to hear no. 
• Because I know that people think I will fail. 
• Because I am not sure if Hubs will really watch the girls when I need him to (even though we talked about ALL of this before I started). 
• What if I do fail? What then?

I know that I just need to DO THIS. I know that I can make it work for me and my family.  I know that I can use this as a way to transition from working full time to working part time. I just have to overcome my fears and call one per a day.

One person a day. And someday (Soon!) one person will say yes.

If you are that one person who wants to say yes - let me know! The jewelry is FANTASTIC!!

I Want a New Mommy Box!

I just read an article online about Finland giving new moms a box with a bunch of cool baby stuff. I think this is a great idea. It started in the 30's and continues today. All you have to do to get the box is seek prenatal care before 4 months. It promotes health and safety, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering. It has lowered the infant mortality rate and evolved over time.

All I can think is that, how genius is this? Giving new moms EVERYTHING they need for the new baby in a box. Now, you can opt for a cash grant instead, but really, who would do that? I would have loved a new box of baby clothes and such for both girls. It sounded like a baby shower in a box and totally awesome.

Now, yes, part of this is because I am cheap, and I love a free stuff. But I also love the idea that it gives children all the same start - each child get the same stuff in the box. Each child gets to have a good start in life, even if their parents can't afford something new, they are able to get something new for each child.

Maybe if we have another baby we will need to move to Finland. Or maybe I will start looking for cheap items to create my own new baby boxes for friends and family. That is probably the easier route!

Weekends

Weekends are my favorite part of the week. I guess that is pretty much a given, but I love them. They are two whole days where I get to play with the girls (usually).

But they also remind me what I am missing ...

• how much they grow every day, when I am not there
• the new words they learn, the skills they develop
• how much I miss nursing, and even though I know it is tough on Mondays, I will nurse Shelbs on weekends as much as possible
• smiles, hugs and laughs for no reason

But I also know that weekends make me a better mom and a stronger person. They allow me to reconnect with the girls and Hubs. They give me time and space to play and run errands and enjoy the girls.

I also love Fridays when I only have to work until 2pm - I sneak out for a pedi after work before getting the girls and it is FANTASTIC.

Happy Friday!